Sunday, March 28, 2010


Let me paint you a picture. A picture of 5 adults driving to Roswell in a silver BMW coupe, with yours truly sitting in the middle back seat. Between two 6'3" behemoths. For 70 miles. I went with my good friend and his parents and cousin/uncle/nephew/some type of older homophobic racially inhibited male family member to Roswell for dinner and a movie. It was a good time. At one point, his dad (who was sitting on my right) asked his mom what was playing on her iPod, and she looked and said some song by someone named "Cleetus." He then said "Isn't that the name of a lady's intimate parts?" to which she responded "No, I don't think so." He says "I was never very good at anatomy" and she replies "I'm very aware."

Oh, what an eventful first 5 miles that was. It was my first parental verbal near-pornographic experience, and I don't think I will ever want to experience that again. After that conversation, the other guy, who's name is Van by the way, starts talking about his various assortment of shirts, one of which has a big "No Homos" on the front. He also swears he has no problem with "the Mexicans" but if you have to say it, you do have a problem! Really? You're named after a car. I could go on about that alone for days.

Easter weekend is coming up. Easter in my family has always been our holiday. Some people are big on Christmas, some 4th of July (hey Neal family!!), but for us, it's Easter. It's always an adventure. Last Easter my grandma got so mad at one of the cousins she hit him over the head with a pot full of chili hot off the stove. I can't wait to see how she tops this one! I'm sure she's been brainstorming.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Dead and Gone.

Some people are scared of death. I've always said that I'm not scared to die, I'm just scared of how I die. If I'm going to go in my sleep, then that's fine. If I'm going to go in a car crash during the driver's sleep, that's not ok. Death can be a sad subject, but today I found some humor in it. Today at work, I was eavesdropping on a conversation between two of my office buddies (which is what I spend most of my time doing), and I overheard one woman talking about her relatives. I'm always interested in the family drama of others, so I decided to listen closer. She said, "We already have places for Dad and Grandpa, and now we are just looking for one for Grandma. She's always been very picky." I thought to myself, wow, how sad. She has a full time job and she is trying to take care of 3 people, all of which will soon be in nursing homes. NO. NO MA'AM. THIS IS NOT THE CASE. "Dad," "Grandpa," and "Grandma" are dead. Dead and cremated. They are currently sitting on her mantle, and now Grandma is coming to join them. Who does that?! Why would you keep your dead ass relatives in your house? Does that not weird anyone else out? I'm all for cremation. It will save money on a casket and it'll save some space in the cemetary (unless it's currently blocking out your knick knacks above the fireplace). Part of me is grateful, because now I know they won't be spreading the ashes and I won't get a taste of Grandma's thigh in my mouth when I'm running at the beach, but also, part of me is now very, very scared. What if I ever have to go to her house? I can't carry on a conversation with essence of Grandma floating freely throughout the living room. I think TI had it right in his song "Dead and Gone." Once you're dead, you should be gone! We all remember what happened in the dinner scene of "Meet the Parents." Nothing good comes from dead people.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

So you think you're good looking?

So my best friend had this idea for us to start blogs with some of our other friends, and I thought it was bad ass. Some of them didn't like it, but that's because our stories are more interesting. Some times. Augusta started calling me 'North' the other day because she said she got sick of seeing the name 'Ryan' in her inbox. Part of me thought it was a fun name, and then part of me wanted to say "I hate you for hating my name," but I decided to go with the first part of me. Hence the "North Pole."

 As everyone knows, I came back home this semester to work in an office 9.5 hours every single day to earn just enough money to go to Berklee and take out $200,000 in student loans. I feel it was a smart decision. My office isn't really like the offices you see in movies. It's not bustling, it's not very loud, people aren't dressed up in business suits and pencil skirts. It's almost always silent, people are usually cursing, and some people may or may not have worn the same jacket for approximately 75 days now. When I got there, I didn't wean them on my humor slow enough, and that may have been a bad decision, but oh well. There is a lady named Susan who makes cakes on everyone's birthday, and when she asked me what I want in mine (like filling), I told her. In hindsight, it may have been a bad idea to say "strippers", but it was the first thing that came to mind. I thought it was hilarious, but she kind of walked away and looked terrified. I still don't know why, but I kept those thoughts to myself from then on. Then there is Sonia. She reminds me alot of myself. When I first met her, I got the vibe that she wanted nothing to do with me unless it involved my total destruction (which might be why she reminds me of myself), but now, we are best friends. We talk about American Idol every Wednesday and Thursday, and when I told her today that Sandra Bullock and Jesse James were splitting up, we had a moment of silence in her honor.
One thing that gets me, though, is that everyone there thinks my OCD tendencies are soooo funny. Yes, I color coordinate my folders. Yes, I give you red and black if I hate you because those are the colors of Satan, and yes, I gave everyone green folders on St. Patricks Day because I have holiday spirit. I may spend 30-45 minutes rearranging the tiles on our sign out board so that they are all together, or picking up all the spare shreds of paper off the carpet, but is that really a crime?

I kind of want to dedicate a little part of every blog to a random subject that I have strong feelings about, because Chelsea Handler has an article like that and I'm not ashamed to admit I idolize her, although you might be ashamed to be my friend after finding that out!! Today, I want to talk about fat people who think they're skinny.
Now, I don't discriminate against fat people. OVERWEIGHT people, excuse me. They don't bother me at all. What bothers me is when they let their fat hang over their pants and out of their shirt like we want to look at it. I have a problem with that. I'd have a problem if a skinny person let their shirt come up and show their happy trail. I don't want to see anything on your body that is remotely disgusting. One instance that comes to mind is an incident I had at a restaurant called Happy's one day. Well let me tell you, Happy's now makes me very, very sad. I went in, innocently ordered my hamburger and milkshake, and sat down. As I started to take a bite of my burger, I saw it. A couple. A couple that definitely should have been wearing more layers of clothing. Like I said, I love fat people. They're just as human as the next person. But when I'm eating and your hairy stomach flab is hanging out of your shirt, I want to pounce on you and rip your heart out. Girls, a tip. If you have a happy trail, shave it. Wax it. Laser it off. Like the restaurant Happy's, a happy trail on a girl will make men very, very sad. I'm trying to help you.

You may be wondering what makes me think I can say all of this stuff. "Why does he think he's sooo attractive?" Well, you can never base your attactiveness off of the looks of yourself. You base it off of the attractiveness of the people you have hooked up with in the past. And I've never gone below a 7.5, THEREFORE you need to listen to me. Take the women up there for example. I'm sure they are wonderful people. And yes, they are overweight. That's fine. My question is WHY IS THE WOMAN ON THE LEFT GRABBING THE STOMACH OF THE OTHER WOMAN? Soooo inappropriate. Don't be them. Also, I don't think it's inappropriate to use the word 'fat' when referring to fat people. There is a woman I work with who weighs at least 300 lbs. and she called herself fat today. So take it up with her.

I think that's all for today. Take my advice. If you think you're hot, don't go off of that. Post a pic on the internet and let other people decide for you.