Friday, May 28, 2010

I just spent 30 minutes typing out a blog entitled "10 Things I Hate About....Everyone." It even had a cool picture of the movie poster "10 Things I Hate About You." But I just wasn't feeling it. Which is sad, because I have been planning it for months. But it was just super negative and I meannnn it's just not one of those moods. This blog might be anticlimactic and not funny at all, but ha...who am I? Is that even possible?

All my life, I've been called Little Ryan. I can't even count the number of people who have bestowed that nickname upon me. Even now, almost 20, people still call me. I'll say something semi-controversial at work and later I'll hear "Did little Ryan really say that?" And I mean that's ok. It differentiates me from other people. Other Ryans. But I've just always wondered why people call me that. It could be because I look like a 14 year old, or because I have always always ALWAYS, with the exception of the last year, spent the majority of my time with friends that were older than me. It's never bothered me, and it doesn't bother me now, but it just makes me wonder. Does almost everyone I come across think of me as the little brother figure?

I'm sitting here in my hotel room in Boston after two long days of apartment hunting. I tried to find one on the internet for months, but I just feel like if you are going to rent a 10x10 200 year old studio apartment for $1300 that is possibly going to need fumigation every month, you need to see it in person. I'm just kidding about fumigation. Possibly once a semester. Anyway, this was the last piece of the puzzle that makes up the next major step in my life. I have a school, an apartment, and a loan that's worth more than my life haaaaaallol. I sometimes wonder if I'm ready. I have always worked so hard, ever since high school, to make sure that people take me seriously. My senior year, I worked on our yearbook for at least 3 hours every day, sometimes more, just so my teacher would see that I was different from most of the others and I wasn't going to expect anyone to carry it through to the end. Working at WIPP has shown me that sometimes you really have to change different aspects of your personality at this age to show that you are to be taken seriously and you aren't just a pushover who will get anyone's coffee. I have worked every day to try to be as professional as I know how to be, and in some aspects I think it has paid off, but in others, I'm not sure it has. Is it worth changing some of the best parts of your personality, like the witty jokes, the absurd sense of humor, and even just the "fun" parts just to be taken as seriously as the men 7 levels above you?

I'm not going to lie, moving to Boston scares me. Being at TTU and in Carlsbad has given me some freedom, but I still have all of the positive aspects of my life. My family is close, it wasn't expensive, and I had my very best friend either a 5 minute walk away from my dorm or home almost every weekend. Now, I'll be the farthest away with no one around. And sometimes, that's ok with me. I can be alone and be fine, as long as I'm alone in my room or alone in a house, or at the river or something like that. But it's always been hard for me to be alone when I'm around a crowd of people. I've never been good at making friends when I don't have my other friends around. That worries me, but also excites me, because I know I will force myself to go out and talk to people. I've never really felt the need to do this before, because I've always had everyone I've needed.

Having to go out and fend for myself makes me wonder: am I ready? Will people take me seriously? In my head, I have been ready for a long time. But I wonder if I'll still be "little Ryan" or if I'll just be Ryan.