Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Candy Corn, Frenemies, and Morons - A Halloween Tale 2010

Halloween. It's supposed to be a fun time for everyone - kids consume a disgusting amount of candy, which causes temporary joy and permanent nausea and dental diseases, and adults consume a disgusting amount of alcohol, which can cause a lifetime of guilt, regret, and often herpes. What's not to love? Well me being me, Halloween and I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship. I want to love it so bad, but it usually hates me. I just have bad luck with it. 4 years ago I was sick and stayed home. 3 years ago I had an away football game. 2 years ago I had plans fall through that I may or may not have driven 3 hours away for, and this year I am still socially inept and had no real options but to spend it with my 4 girls - Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia. They are the greatest; truly golden. I also decided to go out and buy an obnoxious amount of candy corn, which was consumed in it's entirety. And I'm not sorry for that. I truly look forward to next Halloween and what it has to offer. Maybe I'll get crazy and go see a movie. Who knows what I'm capable of?

In all seriousness, being alone has given me some time to reflect on life. And those who know me well know that when I reflect on life, I reflect on how horrible people are doing at running theirs and how it would be so much better if they would let me do it for them. So naturally, I came up with a few topics, one of which is "FRENEMIES."

The trend of having a frenemy has become increasingly common; it seems like more women have a circle of frenemies than a circle of friends. What is a frenemy, you may ask? Wikipedia (naturally my first resource) defines it very clearly.

"Frenemy" (alternately spelled "frienemy") is a portmanteau of "friend" and "enemy" which can refer to either an enemy disguised as a friend or to a partner who is simultaneously a competitor and rival.

They go into a lot of detail, whereas I feel that the term is just another word for 'bitch.' Ladies, why do you need the frenemy? You just make yourself look like a dumbass. You can say you are "best friends" all you want to, but when you fight every other weekend and always talk about it to everyone but each other, are you really friends? I feel that you all need to reevaluate your priorities and friendships and get rid of your frenemies. It will improve your life, and it will greatly improve mine because I will no longer have to listen to your bitching and I can focus on more important things. Like Glee. Or my $40 dry cleaning bill.

On another note, I feel that I should also bring something else to our attention. Whenever you change cities, schools, jobs, or sexual orientations, you will no doubt gain a different circle of friends. Actually, not always (look at me) but most likely. Anyway, when you're sharing all of the details of your new and extravagant life, there are a few things that must be remembered. When you're going to a school like I did back home, everyone knows who everyone else is; so, whenever you are talking about someone, there's no need to say "my friend Bob" or "my professor Gladys." Well when you are going to school 2000 miles away from each other, IT IS IMPERATIVE TO GIVE THESE PEOPLE TITLES. If you go off rambling saying "Well then I went with Linda to the movies and then we met up with Jim and well, you know how that went ;) and then we went and hung with the group at IHOP." There are just so many things wrong with this sentence.

#1. If you say it like that, I assume that I should already know who these people are, and if I don't, I think I've gone crazy. This can result in high stress, anxiety, and antidepressant bills. Say "my friend Linda" or "my buddy Jim." It just helps me out so much more.

#2.  I'm gonna need explicit detail. I've never seen these people and I am never around you, so please give me an insight to your life.

#3. Actually, disregard rule #2. By this point I'm already so annoyed that I don't give a shit about your life and just want to stop talking to you altogether.

See! By following one simple rule, you can avoid all of the conflicted emotions that your dumb ass caused me in the first place.