Monday, February 28, 2011

Tales of a jobless college student.

All your life, people tell you to graduate high school so you can go to college, then after college you can go to graduate school, which will eventually enable you to get a job that stresses you to the point of ulcers and, if you're lucky, a strained marriage. Well, me being the smart person that I am, decided that this was definitely the right path to travel. So, after graduating high school, going to one college, leaving that college to work to go to another college, then leaving that job to go to the aforementioned college, HERE I AM. And it has been quite a trip so far. Let me tell you. But there have been a few bumps in the road.

The funny thing about life - it costs money. Who knew that the board game 'LIFE' that we all played as kids was more than just a game - it was kind of an instruction manual. Now I wish I had paid more attention to the rules instead of just playing with the spinner the whole time. After a fairly lavish first semester, my funds have taken a hit and I'm starting to feel the crunch of life and it's expenses. Like rent, utilities, and my moderate/severe addiction to cardigans and brightly colored shirts. So, the day I got back to Boston from Christmas "break" (during which I worked every day) I started looking for a job. Literally. The same day. Now before we go further, I feel the need to point out that I'm not a starving college student living off bread and water without a penny to my name. I am pretty well taken care of. Until circa...May. By then, I will either have a job, or go home to once again replenish my funding for necessary expenses, such as rent/groceries/outerwear from Calvin Klein. My parents and I disagree on whether or not that last one is a necessary expense, but they will come around when they see the spring catalog. ANYWAY. So I get back to Boston and I am just so excited. I am ready to take on the world. I update my resume, write a bad ass cover letter for every occasion, and I hit the streets, job sites, anything I can find. Well let me tell you something. I once heard that the recession was over and the economy is turning around. Well I'd like to see Obama fly his ass up here and try to find a job in the areas in and around greater Boston, because THAT IS NOT THE CASE.

Let me give a little background information before we continue. In high school I was a cashier at a local business for 2 years. Between colleges I worked at a nuclear waste storage facility as the lead records coordinator, validating documents, writing various procedures, training a few new employees, and, most importantly, catching up on American Idol every week. It honestly wasn't the most difficult job, but it wasn't the easiest either. Also, this semester I SPECIFICALLY set up my classes to leave me time to work. No class after 11 on Mondays and Tuesdays, no class on Fridays. So, naturally, when I start looking for jobs in Boston, I'm pretty confident I have all of my bases covered. WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. So listen. I could be wrong. But I find it a little odd that I can be trusted to handle various classified records containing information that, if given to the wrong person in the wrong manner, I can go to jail. BUT I CAN'T SELL A PAIR OF PANTS AT H&M? Am I missing something? Like, hi, my name is Ryan and I can memorize 6 different federal procedures for the US Department of Energy, BUT I CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO MAKE YOUR FREAKING MACCHIATO. I had one interview for an assistant position at a tax firm in Newton that I got turned down for because "by looking at the application, I can tell you're an impatient person." Really? Really? Um, that application was flawless, as is everything else that I do. Also, you bear a striking resemblance to a toad and you smell like feta cheese, but thank you for your time.

Today I had a phone interview with Bank of America. Well, I was supposed to. I was super excited because usually I don't make it past the point of the rejection letter. Actually, at this point, instead of applying for the job, I'm applying to see how many variations I can get on a rejection letter. ANYWAY, I passed their requirements and their little cash handling/data management test, and had a phone interview today. The hours were PERFECT with my schedule, I was qualified, blah blah blah. I get the interview call today (it was a phone interview) and the lady says "well....that position has been filled. Let me look for another one for you." Needless to say, of course there were no other ones that fit my schedule but "she will let me know if anything opens up."

Oh please.

If you know me well, you know I am a comfort eater. So, naturally, after today's phone call, I went to the store and stocked up on things that will hopefully land me an appearance on the new reality show "Heavy," which I am unhealthily obsessed with (no pun intended.) I had my eye on some ice cream sandwiches in particular, along with the spinach pizza and spring rolls that I bought in massive quantities. I get home, eager with excitement, take out the box of ice cream sandwiches, only to get that sinking feeling in your stomach that you get from a roller coaster or when you fart and someone notices. Now I shop at Trader Joe's, which is (supposedly) all organic, and now I know to look before I leap. I bought ice cream sandwiches SANS real milk therefore SANS real ice cream, MADE FROM FREAKING TOFU. I BOUGHT TOFUTTI ICE CREAM. So I ate 2 of them, cried, ate 2 more, and then may or may not have eaten 10 spring rolls. Now that I'm thinking about it, after I publish this I'll be having some Cocoa Puffs. But back on topic. Tofu ice cream is not the way to perk up your day.

Now I am all for negative comic relief, but I feel I should turn the tables and end on a happier note. I really am not in as bad of a position as I make it out to be (I like to exaggerate.) I just think it's humorous. I go to a FANTASTIC school, I am making great friends, I have been able to keep in touch with all of my friends from home (and get rid of the bad ones, thank you Jesus.) I have learned so much. I'm truly grateful for all of the opportunity that surrounds me and I know there's a reason for whatever has happened and will happen. I'm just going to keep on, and tomorrow I will probably apply to H&M for a 6th time and will probably be rejected for the 6th time. But that's okay. I'll find something.

End note - Buy Adele's new album "21." My friends and I are covering 3 of her new songs. They are all wonderful. So refreshing to have someone to listen to who sounds good live and isn't relying on her naughty parts to get her somewhere.


  1. AMAZING. always enjoy the dry negative humor, but appreciated the lighter note at the end.


    If all else fails, Prostitution Inc. is always hiring. No resume required. No pants required.

  2. I agree with will find a job. Hopefully not with Prostitution Inc (if you do then I will open a business in Boston to get you out of the other unessessary job).

    The part about the Tofu icecream sandwiches made me laugh. (Sad situation though)

    Anywho keep looking and keep your positive attitude...those other people don't know what they are missing out on when they dont' hire you.